How to get over a break-up?

If you’re typing ‘how to get over a break-up’ into a search engine, it’s probably safe to assume you’re currently languishing in the cruel grip of heart break, and we would like to first take a minute to say: hey, you’re doing great. Keep your chin up! You’re very attractive! Everything will be okay! And now that your tears have been temporarily halted by the arbitrary kindness of a random internet article, let’s discuss in more detail how to get over that break up.

Now – this recent break up. Was it messy and terrible and emotional and soul destroying and you’re not sure if you will ever be able to love again? Yes, of course it was, because they all are. We all have relationships that don’t work out, for as many reasons as there are personality types on this earth. We meet someone new, we get that tickle in our stomach, we flirt and that tickle turns into a warm feeling, we date and we become more intimate, we lose ourselves heart and soul and then we fall in love, we have our first problems and these are solved we grow, our lives continue and the problems keep coming back, sometimes bigger, sometimes smaller and then one day it all comes to a crescendo and we then break-up and move apart and we lose our minds with longing for the person we can’t have.

Silver linings abound

The key to knowing how to get over a break-up comes from understanding that, while this painful, terrible process may feel like it breaks us, it also makes you stronger and more sure of what you ARE looking for the next time around. It’s how we trim the playing field and learn what personality traits we are most compatible with. We also develop a better sense of what the red flags are for the future.

It’s important to understand that, though articles like this may help, learning how to get over a break-up is a subjective experience. The crucial thing to remember is that, though it is undoubtedly agony and chaos now, the pain will fade. It always does. Know that you will eventually love again and, more importantly, BE loved again. You will date and flirt and feel that tickle in your stomach again, and day by day, your pain will pass without you every really noticing, until one day you go to bed in the evening and realise that for an entire day you’ve not felt the sickly pang of heartbreak.

Another important point to bear in mind when learning how to get over a break-up is not to limit yourself with fear and doubts, and not to view yourself as damaged or broken. You’re not damaged, you’re growing. Take your time getting back on your feet; it’s important to learn to function by yourself again rather than leaping back into the fray without allowing yourself room for a full recovery. But rest assured: somewhere out in the world, right this second, there is somebody waiting for you; somebody who is looking for a partner exactly like you. You’ve just got to get back out there and find them.

Do not sulk when the person you thought you clicked with does not respond to your messages. Get right back in there and keep searching. Be yourself and the right partner will come along to fit you perfectly. If you try and change who you are to accommodate someone else, you will end up with the wrong-shaped personality to fit you.

One day in the not so distant future, you will wake up healed after a break-up and ready to start again. If that day is not today, give yourself time to heal and grieve, and when you are ready, we will be here to help you take the first step to finding the perfect person to start the whole maddening, wonderful process all over again.

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Michael Stewart

Psychologist and family counsellor, I'm an expert at relationships and helping others building strong connections.

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